It's like muscle memory
only with weather

It comes around when the seasons change
but mostly in autumn

or on holidays
or during football season

I'm a grown woman now
things should wear off
be different

I imagine what it would be like
to see you again
we'd exchange pleasantries
and pretend we didn't want to say
the things that needed to be said
but just for a while

then we'd say them

And I'd cry and scream at you
for not being the man
I knew you could have been

And you'd curse at me
for not accepting you for who you were
and we'd dance around the
loss
es.

Nothing was ever good
I don't know how it's possible
that one can miss
an idea, a wish,
something that never was
for so long

It sickens me.