Some days the nights seem
too far away
And my happy thoughts just turn
to gray
and this poetry
it doesn't move me

But your muddy eyes like
a winter rain
They draw me in and
make me stay

Could it be so sad?
Is this life so bad?

I'm a silly girl
with complicated ways
you think you'll change me
one of these days

you'll try
and you'll cry

but please stay

girlhood.

I guess it's just something
I thought would pass with
time.
The whole world said it.
They conspired from the very beginning.
Lined it out.
Stacked it up.
Here's the path. Do it right.
I must have really thrown them
for a loop
those few years in college
when I made a deal with myself
to only date married men.

But I stopped.
Because one of them decided to marry
me.

And so now I'm wondering
when the growing up happens.
And what does that mean?
I look at the calendar and
I can see the years,
but the 7th grade handwriting of a girl
so full of longing that
she would sell her soul to Satan himself,
still fills my bookshelves.
And the girl who gets drunk
and naked
and jumps into the nearest body
of water
seems to consistently make her presence known.
And it's doubtful she's tired
of her late night tirades.

I'm beginning to think this "growing up" thing
is a figment someone's tried to sell us
Like June and Ward,
with her Valium and OJ.
And maybe this step,
this committing and this trying,
is something that will only make me
that much more alive.
So maybe it is a growing--
but a perpetual means in itself,
not an end.

It's come to this-
shame and guilt and fear
and a couple years.
(Has it really gone so fast?)
I try not to see you
across the room,
and still try to move closer
to see if you can stand it
without buckling
caving
craving.
Do you remember springtime?
The middle of the night
lying on our backs
between the trees and gravestones?
You cried.
You always cried.
I kissed your tears--
I was a foolish girl, far from home.
But you weren't,
were you.
The one day you didn't beat the postman to your door.
You had a decision to make--
and you did.
(I can't believe she let you.)
There are nights
I know
when you're alone
in the silvery glare of midnight,
you toss and turn still
afflicted
tortured
and craving softness in the
wee morning hours,
none is to be found.

And I hate you more than I thought I could.

i walk alone
on this road
sometimes i think it's best
but i find in time
i need you
to put the demons to rest
I reach for you
against my will
a force that pulls your way
emptiness
it finds my hands
and fills my soul today

I have so much
to tell you
but it's never the time
your world is crowded
with love and mysteries
like war crimes

this need in me
was born in me
try to kill it til it's dead
i keep wanting
what you can't give
and it's messin up my head
you're the one
who promised
you would lead me back
but you keep adding
twists and turns
and marking up the map


I have so much
to tell you
but it's never the time
your world is crowded
with love and mysteries
like war crimes


did you know i watch you
when you think
i'm not there
i wonder if you hear my voice
at night in your prayers


you pray
i'm on my knees
you plead
i try to please
what should come for free's
too high a cost
i can't pay and
sometimes I get lost