My right ovary hurts. At least I think it's my right ovary. It would actually be on the doctor's left, but it's on my right. Do you know what it's like to be in ovarian pain? It's like there's a little man inside your abdomen (yes, of course it would be a man because he's causing me pain) and he's sticking a thumbtack into your ovary and pulling it back out again. And just when the pain starts to go away he lets out an evil little laugh and does it again. That's the only explanation I can find. It's either that, or my ovaries are pissed at me. And that's a very good possibility. And I understand their frustration.

They're like, "Look Ashly, we've been here for 24 1/2 years now. We sit around all day doing nothing. Then at the end of every month, we get our hopes up thinking maybe, just maybe, this is the month we'll actually get to do something productive. But nooooo. It's always NO. Well screw you Ashly. If you're not going to let us do our job, then we're going to make the last few days of every month a living hell for you."

Easy for my ovaries to say. They don't have to go to work every day and pay the bills like I do. They wouldn't have to stay up nights feeding the baby and changing dirty, stinky diapers like I would. They wouldn't have to say, "No dear, I never had sex when I was your age. I was as pure as a winter lilly until the day I married your father." So little ovaries, I say this: just calm down. Be patient. Your day in the sun will come. I promise. I think. I hope. We're kinda in the same boat here, so let's work together on this deal.

And wha-laa! No more ovary pain.

I was talking to somebody the other night about relationships. He said his goal in life was just to make a 100% total emotional connection. I hadn't thought too much about it before this point, I just always assumed I made emotional connections, but I never thought about it on a percentage scale. The number 100% scared me. Five years ago I would have said 100% was a prerequisite. But now, I don't want to come anywhere near it. He asked me why and I told him to read my piece about Nobody's Girl. And he said Oh.

Then today I was thinking about a particular person that makes my tummy do that thing and is constantly in my thoughts. I wondered why this was. And these thoughts lead me to think of the one person in my life that if you asked me to name the single biggest influence on my life (outside of my parents), I would say his name. He's made me who I am today. The person people know as Ashly is not the same as it would have been had they known her three and a half years ago. He became everything to me. We integrated each other into our souls. We have each become a piece of the thread woven into the fabric of each other's lives. But we've never been "together." It's not the right time. It hasn't been the right time. I don't know if it will ever be the right time.

And I think my current distractions are a nice respite to the falling off of one of the most important relationships in my life. It's not over, it's just slowly fading in to the background of my life. It hurts less when I don't have to sit at home alone in silence waiting for the phone to ring or wait for that knock on the door. I keep thinking everyone is in my life for a reason. I just want to enjoy them while they're here and be strong enough to have a nice goodbye party when they decide it's time to go. So I'll just keep hanging on when we're going upside down in the loop and I'll keep throwing my arms in the air and screaming when we reach the top of the drop off and let the click-click-click-click of the climb up rush the adrenaline through my body. I'll understand it's only a ride, but it's fun, and it should be. And it's not life or death. It's life.

he said it best
when it rains
it pours
drought
or flood
i feel overwhelmed sometimes
there are so many
great individuals in my life
and so many hurting people
wondering people
curious people
and i want to totally immerse myself
into all of them
just for the experience
but it overcomes me
and i have to sit still
and breathe
one big
deep breath
and two memories come back
that were made in Kansas City
in a restaurant
at a candle lit table
just the two of us
he held my hand
we stood in line at pizza hut
and he wrapped his arms around me
so plain and ordinary
but so right
for two days
my life was absolutely perfect
i
want
him

Psychotherapy for the Soul

My Dream Interpretation class (or better called Dream Working class) is like my twice weekly dose of therapy. Dr. Jowaissas is amazing. On the outside looking in, one could misconstrue this class as a quack group of people parading around claiming they can tell people what their dreams mean. On the contrary, in this class we learn that dreams are a creation of our own minds, and therefore can probably tell us something useful about ourselves, after all, we are their creators! We can ask insightful questions to lead others to consider important aspects of their dreams, but only the dreamer can really know what a dream means.

I had a very important insight while in class today as it pertains to a dream snippit I had last night. And in my best MathNet voice I will say: The names have been changed, but the problems are real. Sarah, Matt, Tyler, and I were at an old skating rink that had been turned into a dance club. There weren't very many people there but the ones that were, were dancing. It was light enough to see clearly the room and people around me. Sarah, Matt, Tyler, and I were leaning against the snack bar chit chatting. I was especially glad that Tyler was there. I've always had a little crush on him. Suddenly he comes up and starts dancing with me. I started laughing but kept dancing. He's so cute. I look up and Joe walks in the door and sees me dancing with Tyler. (I had previously been seeing Joe off and on.) For a split second, I think, "I should stop. He's going to be mad." But courage takes over and I decide, screw it. He's never done anything for me. So I keep dancing. What's funny is I don't even recall Joe having a reaction. He just kinda disappeared. So Tyler and I finish dancing. Then he buys me a cookie. It was a big deal to me that he was paying for it. He handed me $11. Two 5's and a 1. I was like, wow that was an expensive cookie. And he goes, no the rest is for you , just keep it. I felt really good about that.

The more I thought about that dream today, the more I thought it might be telling me something. Maybe I need to let go of something that is unproductive in my life. Maybe I need to have the courage to at least be willing to dance with someone else. And maybe, when I do, not only will I get what I need, I'll get more than I need. And maybe it will be good.

That's a great feeling.