NOBODY'S GIRL

So it started with Ryan. I was seven, he was eight. He was my first friend in Oklahoma after we moved away from Texas. He called every day for a solid year right in the middle of Duck Tales. My mom thought I was too young to be receiving phone calls from boys. I suppose I was. But I talked to him anyway. He was my boyfriend. When fourth grade started, the phone calls stopped. I got dumped for Tenessa King. But I understood. She was in his class and she had long beautiful brown hair. All the fifth grade boys liked her.

Then there was James. I loved James because he was cute and in junior high. I remember our family going to his house for dinner. We'd shut ourselves up in his room and sit and talk for hours. I felt so lucky to be his girlfriend. Six months later he sent a friend over to tell me he wanted to break up with me because I wasn't old enough for him. I laid in bed and cried for a solid three hours. I thought nobody would ever love me again. Mom tried to tell me that I still had so much more to experience and that someday I'd look back and laugh at stupid 'ol James. I ran into him a year ago. Not laughin. He's hot. And married.

Then there was Eddie. I was in junior high and he was seven years older than me. Our families were very close. He was like a big brother and a confidant. He was my safe place. He used to tell me I was beautiful and smart. He liked to hear me sing. We spent alot of time together. He made me feel special. He turned twenty-one and got married. I still have the invitation.

Will. I was fifteen and he was the one I wasn't supposed to fall in love with. He was the wrong color, lived on the wrong side of town, had major problems with authority, and was barely passing high school. But he could knock a guy out with one hit on the football field. And he always looked up in the stands to make sure I was there watching. He broke my heart the first time after we'd been together two months. Instead of kicking the habit then, I let him hurt me emotionally and eventually, physically, for the next seven years. One day when I was twenty-two, after we had just spent the weekend together, I came across wedding pictures that had been taken at the court house just two weeks before. It was him and his new wife. She was three months pregnant with their son. Somehow, his getting married and having a child was just a blip on his radar screen and was something that didn't need to be brought up in our relationship. I physically could not stop the tears for two weeks. But eventually the urge to throw myself into oncoming traffic subsided. I had to let him go. Even though three years later he still calls.

So how did I get to be the "no strings attached" girl? I guess I just decided it was easier to bank on the sure things. And the only things that are sure are the things that you know have no future. That's what's certain. So you don't worry about losing them. No strings. No pain. But it takes a whole lotta work to keep it that way.

how is it
that a perfectly confident
twenty-four year old
woman
can have one day
she struggles to get through
and goes to her safe place
to collapse
and remind herself
to breathe
and ends up
hosting a party
between her pillows
and her tears
for a couple of hours
she becomes that eleven year old
girl
laying in bed in the dark
crying herself to sleep
because her seventh grade boyfriend
found something better
and the world looks
totally bleak
again
and the only saving grace
is her mother
who sits quietly
stroking her daughter's hair
and reminding her
there's so much of the world
she's yet to experience
but there's no one
sitting on the edge of the bed tonight
it's a party of one
host and guest of honor the same
the heaviness envelops her
but the words are still present
they hang in the air
and work their magic
just like they did
thirteen years ago
they sprinkle
painfully hopeful fairy dust
on a grown little girl
who wants to be loved
she closes her eyes
and breathes out one quiet breath
and lets the draft of cold air
coming through the window
infuse the uncertainty
with dreams
and sleep

I love my little
Space in the world
On days like this

On any other day
It is too small
Too cramped
Too cluttered
Too dusty
And too drafty

But today
The sun pours in
Through the blinds
Onto the shiny
Wood floors
Like white
Shimmering
Translucent
Powdered sugar
Sifted and sprinkled
On top of a delicious treat

I want to spend my hours today
With a friend
A friend who brings out the courage in me
A friend who has
Lips and fingertips
Reminiscent of those
For which I traded my soul
Ten years ago

A friend who is always transparent
A friend who gets frustrated easily
But lets her ingenuity
And braveness shine through brilliantly
Always at the perfect moment

A friend who has high hopes
And lofty dreams
And isn't afraid to step out
And claim them as his
Who sees complete strangers
Alone and crying
And writes them love notes

A friend who knows the value
Of old hat boxes
And fifty year old prints
That remind her of childhood
And her mother
Making me just a little more thankful
That she is mine

A friend that makes me laugh
Out loud
And doesn't understand why
Whose giggle is uncontrollably
Contagious
Who lets me protect her
And love her
Even when she doesn't feel lovable

It is days like today
With the delicious sunshine
Wafting into my little corner
That I love my space
And my friends
And my life