I love how some days, something will hit you square between the eyes, like while your doing laundry or just lounging around in general. Like days when you're trying to lead as inconspicuous a life as possible, and making your best attempt at being totally normal. And it comes to you in seconds. And it's usually life altering, or at least presently life altering. And you get a good look at yourself in the mirror someone else holds up. A good day is when the picture is prettier and more perfect than you thought. But more often than not, and today is one of those days, it's a horribly nasty image that you can't even bear to look at.

What have I done to myself? And why do I keep doing it? But what does it mean that it doesn't even occur to me to feel bad until someone else insinuates there's something wrong with me?

When it happens it never even occurs to me to say no. This is not normal from what I gather. I should say no more often, but I don't mean it. So isn't that the equivalent of telling a lie? Why am I so wrong for this? And why do I feel like I should be walking down Robinson with smudged mascara and holes in my fishnets? And why are the only people who want to hug me, betraying someone else to do so?

Sealing the Deal

I think you'd better come over.
I think
I
just
might.
Don't you love
enduring two hours
of subtitles
when the vodka flowing
through your veins
is so thick
everything looks like
a fabulous sea kingdom?
Watch!
Watch!
Ok, I am...
trying not to pass out.
Get to it if you're gonna.
But he makes me wait.
And he has from the
very
first
time.
Then it's fingers
and tongues
and mouths
and fingers
and tongues
And more words
and Oh
Oh
Oh.
And part of me thinks
I pressed him too hard
but he folded me in
like no one ever has
And he's done everything
right the
first
time.
And he doesn't even like me.