I was talking to somebody the other night about relationships. He said his goal in life was just to make a 100% total emotional connection. I hadn't thought too much about it before this point, I just always assumed I made emotional connections, but I never thought about it on a percentage scale. The number 100% scared me. Five years ago I would have said 100% was a prerequisite. But now, I don't want to come anywhere near it. He asked me why and I told him to read my piece about Nobody's Girl. And he said Oh.

Then today I was thinking about a particular person that makes my tummy do that thing and is constantly in my thoughts. I wondered why this was. And these thoughts lead me to think of the one person in my life that if you asked me to name the single biggest influence on my life (outside of my parents), I would say his name. He's made me who I am today. The person people know as Ashly is not the same as it would have been had they known her three and a half years ago. He became everything to me. We integrated each other into our souls. We have each become a piece of the thread woven into the fabric of each other's lives. But we've never been "together." It's not the right time. It hasn't been the right time. I don't know if it will ever be the right time.

And I think my current distractions are a nice respite to the falling off of one of the most important relationships in my life. It's not over, it's just slowly fading in to the background of my life. It hurts less when I don't have to sit at home alone in silence waiting for the phone to ring or wait for that knock on the door. I keep thinking everyone is in my life for a reason. I just want to enjoy them while they're here and be strong enough to have a nice goodbye party when they decide it's time to go. So I'll just keep hanging on when we're going upside down in the loop and I'll keep throwing my arms in the air and screaming when we reach the top of the drop off and let the click-click-click-click of the climb up rush the adrenaline through my body. I'll understand it's only a ride, but it's fun, and it should be. And it's not life or death. It's life.