The proximity
is almost too much for me
to handle
My body needs you
in ways I'm not even sure
are possible
We talk about friends
family
the safe topics

You wonder why
you're having to do all the heavy lifting
in the conversation
It's like pulling teeth
you say
What's going on in your life?
You're not this quiet

My insides ache
while I sit on this red vinyl
and I want to do nothing
but steal away
anywhere, really
turn out all the lights
and see what it feels like when
you find me in the dark

Would I feel your fingertips first
or your chest
your belly or your thighs
Would you devour me
or wait for permission

Even if we had days
it wouldn't be long enough

But no,
I haven't seen that one guy
since high school
And it's really great
that your brother is doing well

I let you continue the conversation
because if you talk,
everything inside me-
life as I know it-
is safe

I order another drink.

Beware the drunk girl
Empty bottle in her hand
With the broken heart

i don't know why i expect it
to change
after these years
he says i just wanted to hear your voice
and as an afterthought
i'm having a baby girl
in february
he gets mad
and says like you give a
shit
he wants me to
i say you know it's more complicated
than that
and it's silent
i stand in this room
dark and surrounded
and when i'm next to him
i still feel like the beauty queen
runner up
stripped and defeated
for showing my tits
to some photographer
for a hundred bucks to pay the
light bill
secretly i smile though
i'm still prettier
smarter
and more than you'll let yourself have
so as to not be
outdone
and that's fine
the music is good
the liquor is cold
and that baby girl in february
will break your heart
just like
i did

going home
they say you can't do it
but i will
just like i did that brown boy
when mom and dad said i couldn't
you people never learn

we'll sift through the smoke
at the bar and the
ashes of our thoughts
philosophies
sex lives
and figure out where we went wrong
and wonder why no one else
can get it right

the girl sitting on the end
will say
that's why i've loved you for three years
you're so raw
and honest
and i'll laugh at the girl
she used to know
and drunk dial the boy
who gets hard
at the mere thought of argument
with me
that's why he loves me

others will stare
others will snicker and say
oh god, she's back
they'll hand me another tall
double
and i'll smile
they don't know that for $9.25
i've just answered the
big question

She's perfect
Fire-red headed and all
I wondered when she would start to grow
Unseen and unknown
And I watched her struggle
And her resistance to
Finding a presence in this world
But that smile
Oh that smirk
That all-knowing look
Inherited maternally
The fierceness of the world at her doorstep
Her mind doesn't know
And her heart doesn't care
She is a conqueror innately
And she has overcome
Before the battle lines
Have even been drawn
That tiny hand begins to grasp
Infinite possibilities
Each muscle move
A strength defined
A lifetime awakens
Unknown
And yet
Already vanquished

Living up to this standard
I quit when I turned
Fifteen and a half
Because that's when he kissed me
And I knew everything they'd been telling me
Was a lie
I just wanted to be safe
And no safe place was found
But the cool Friday nights
Felt right
And smelled like cheap cigarettes
And sweet like love
And still do
I've been coerced
And questioned
And taunted
And accused
And I've never apologized
I never will
Because I'm being the most real me
I can
And I know you are only
Maybe twenty-five cents
On my dollar
And I got lots more to make
You keep talking
And I hear you
I know you're surprised
But this is a small town
And your loyal friends
Are just like you
So quit being so sad
Little southside girl
You put that face on every day
For the life you're supposed to have
Pretty girls
With prettier clothes
Try authenticity for five minutes
And the next time someone asks you
How you met your made man
Tell them it was in a bar
See how honesty feels
It's addicting

You're bone dry
He says
2006
The summer, was the last time
I laid eyes on you
Awkward & tense
Like we'd never
Sullied ourselves on the
Unswept office carpet
Before
Like you never whispered
Your love
In hot breaths
Between tears at midnight
Before
Like you'd never wondered
What our child
Our family
would become
And he wonders why I can't
Stop crying
Amidst the stumbling words
And the vodka-produced
Overreactions
I'm trying my damnedest
To make a life here
In love and not hope
Or desperation
But lately it's seeming like
Twelve of one
Half a dozen of the
Other

hands
rough and worn
cut sometimes

he works
and works
I wait

my body aches for him

for his hands
for his closeness
the warmth of his mouth
and the heaviness
of his limbs
draped across me

throw open the windows
let the snow come in
encircle us under the down
we wouldn't even notice

but he works

he works

We cope in the
strangest ways.

I immediately go
to that dark room
curtains pulled

with your soft skin
hovering over me.
Your breath
your fingertips
sailing effortlessly
yet intently
over the plains of my body.

We created heat
just being on the same planet.
The cosmic force was
undeniable and intense.

I have loved you and I have
craved you and I have
hated you.
But I always go back to that room.

You left at dawn
in tears.
Your life was waiting
in different rooms.

I wonder if in the stillness
of a sleepless night
you ever go back there
to that room
and that heat
and those minutes that flew by
like dust
in a windstorm.

a grub in this
lot of weeds and dead leaves
that's you

you rise to the highest point
of the dead things
and proclaim yourself queen

you scream and shake
and over-caffeinate
and secretly wish you could do anything

as well as me

hope hope
wait wait
try again

think about what I
want out of
life

it's one thing one day
and something different the next

committing with eyes closed
has always worked best
don't think too much
just do

then we'll dig out
or revel in the soil

Ghosts have been
Popping their heads out
Of the strangest corners lately
And so predictably

Going to bed mad
Is my subconscious' equivalent
Of a Chopin novella

So much scandal

And not an ounce of guilt or regret.